I'd like to buy a bowel... movement IN A TOILET, please!

This week on Mom.me, I wrote about poop.

Which happens to the best of us.

(Just preferably in a toilet.)

Archer and Fable were fully potty trained by now, so we figured...

WRONG. We figured wrong. 

All kids are different, you guys. Who knew?

During Christmas break, Bo did her first potty poop in a gas station bathroom and we thought, THIS IS IT!

It was not it.

Although she did poop in every gas station bathroom between LA and SF on our road trip up the coast earlier this year ... But a home bathroom? A clean bathroom? Yeah, not her deal. 

"Bo. DUDE. Why do you only poop in gas station bathrooms?" I asked her, nearly in tears, strapping a diaper to her. 

"Because. I like them, Mom."

"BUT... BUT..."

"You said butt, Mom. YOU SAID BUTT! HA HA."

I give up, you guys. 

We have tried everything. Bribery. High-fiving each other every time we poop. Reading every. single. poop book on the market, shopping for cool underwear at Target. Drawing pictures of poop dancing out of human butts and into the toilet. Making up songs. About poop. Dancing out of human butts. And into the toilet...

Here's the thing. It's time...

For ten years I have wiped butts and I am very much ready to retire. But we have a very different beast with the twins than we had with Archer and Fable. We have two children who are the exact same age and multiply their willpower against each other and then BAM. 

"We're not ready yet, Mom. Right, Revi?"

"Right, Bobo."

"But soon, Mama. Soon we'll be ready, okay?"

"Right now we need our diapers so we can go behind the door and be poop friends."

"poop friends"

...And like the sucker that I am, I fetch them their diapers and watch them scurry off to hide behind my bedroom door, which, for the last several months, has been their "bathroom."

And I shake my head at myself. And I shake my head at them. And I shake my head at human bodies and how disgusting they are....

And so, I write this post, as a song of solidarity for those of you whose kids aren't doing the things they should be doing yet. Because EVERYONE is late with something. At least, in my experience. Archer didn't speak coherently until he was 3. (Here are some old posts about Archer's delayed speech for those interested.) Fable didn't crawl until she was 13 months old. (Both Archer and Fable didn't walk until 18 months! Hell. Archer had a pacifier until the eve of his first day of kindergarten when he volunteered his "nunu" as tribute and it was never seen again.)

...In the meantime, I'll be here, staring into the abyss of exhausted options, hand on the wheel... muttering bad puns about "buying bowels" and "Vanna... wipes."

You can read the entire post, here. 

GGC