Just because they love on each other does not mean they do not also fight on each other. For every kiss and hug-walk across the room is a toy guitar to the face or a marker to the eye or a bite to the hand or a full on wrestle match under the table complete with head butting and leg twisting and everyone screaming and yeah. So, FYI, it isn't all sweetness and light around these parts.
That being said. Sometimes it gloriously is.
The other day the "holy shit I'm having twins" Momversation video popped up on my sidebar and I watched it, completely dumbstruck by my deer in headlights fear face. I mean, sure, I recall being scared but it's pretty wild watching footage of my former self FEARING the life I now treasure with my entire being.
I talked a little bit about "how to make personal & professional pivots" on a panel this past weekend. And I was completely all over the place and it's been bothering me that I wasn't as eloquent or controlled as I hoped I'd be. Which is how I usually feel when/after I open my mouth. Writing has always been my first language and speaking aloud, especially in front of large groups of people is something I definitely need to work on. (My mom and I used to write each other letters when I was a teenager because it was the only way I could articulate how I was feeling without upsetting everyone in the house. We'd slide letters underneath each other's doors at all hours of the night and via email and text we still kind of do.)
Anyway. Tangent o'clock up in here. (Sorry guys.)
It occurred to me, watching Bo and Revi hold hands and walk sideways down the hallway, followed by this video of me panicking like a mofo, what I wanted to say:
Everything is temporary.
...Which I have said here before, yes, but it's what I should have said on the panel. Everything is temporary.
ALSO: learn from your children. Because children are far more accepting of change. They feel it in their bones as they grow by the millimeter. They see it in their hair as it slowly pushes down past their shoulders, in their homework as it gets more and more difficult and then, easier.
It is innate and accepted and happening regardless of plans or lists or direction...
Adulthood is strange in the way it's harder to see ourselves change. We get jobs we're supposed to hold onto and marry the people we pledge to be with forever. We assume we must build this great thing so that we have order and security in our lives. We save money for houses and wait until the right time to have children.. all the while struggling to make money and decisions. All the while becoming more set in our ways, more goal oriented, more removed from the moment.
We call the saving and the waiting and the thinking, RESPONSIBILITY. We call it "being smart" and "practical" and "adult". We put labels on everything and everybody and every "goal" and pin them to boards and walls. We hang them like carrots in front of us and run the treadmill every morning.
We get together at conferences and sit on panels trying to guide each other and ourselves toward better versions of the people we want to be. The people we are capable of being. The RESPONSIBLE types. And yet, we are the industry of experiencers. We are the industry of "build your own adventure." We are the industry of "fuck it, let's ride..." Of irresponsible decisions. Of passion and sliding notes underneath the doors of our mothers.
And our fellow mothers.
And ourselves.
Sometimes the best way to feel confident moving forward in a different direction (for me) is to look back on my past and find the times I didn't even know it was happening. The times I wasn't even aware I was becoming someone else. The moments when I was making decisions I didn't even realize I was making. The days I was scared shitless out of my mind.
I look back on what has happened, mind blown that the child I once feared would never walk or talk or be a supportive sibling is now as tall as my shoulders and philosophizing about the universe, holding the hands of three little girls.
Fear is the first paving stone to fearlessness.
That's what I was trying to say on Saturday.
Collect all of your past doubts and fears and hold them up against this moment right now and then ask yourself what you see.
That being said. Sometimes it gloriously is.
And on this particular afternoon, during our after school TV time...
The other day the "holy shit I'm having twins" Momversation video popped up on my sidebar and I watched it, completely dumbstruck by my deer in headlights fear face. I mean, sure, I recall being scared but it's pretty wild watching footage of my former self FEARING the life I now treasure with my entire being.
***
I talked a little bit about "how to make personal & professional pivots" on a panel this past weekend. And I was completely all over the place and it's been bothering me that I wasn't as eloquent or controlled as I hoped I'd be. Which is how I usually feel when/after I open my mouth. Writing has always been my first language and speaking aloud, especially in front of large groups of people is something I definitely need to work on. (My mom and I used to write each other letters when I was a teenager because it was the only way I could articulate how I was feeling without upsetting everyone in the house. We'd slide letters underneath each other's doors at all hours of the night and via email and text we still kind of do.)
Anyway. Tangent o'clock up in here. (Sorry guys.)
It occurred to me, watching Bo and Revi hold hands and walk sideways down the hallway, followed by this video of me panicking like a mofo, what I wanted to say:
Everything is temporary.
...Which I have said here before, yes, but it's what I should have said on the panel. Everything is temporary.
ALSO: learn from your children. Because children are far more accepting of change. They feel it in their bones as they grow by the millimeter. They see it in their hair as it slowly pushes down past their shoulders, in their homework as it gets more and more difficult and then, easier.
It is innate and accepted and happening regardless of plans or lists or direction...
Adulthood is strange in the way it's harder to see ourselves change. We get jobs we're supposed to hold onto and marry the people we pledge to be with forever. We assume we must build this great thing so that we have order and security in our lives. We save money for houses and wait until the right time to have children.. all the while struggling to make money and decisions. All the while becoming more set in our ways, more goal oriented, more removed from the moment.
We call the saving and the waiting and the thinking, RESPONSIBILITY. We call it "being smart" and "practical" and "adult". We put labels on everything and everybody and every "goal" and pin them to boards and walls. We hang them like carrots in front of us and run the treadmill every morning.
We get together at conferences and sit on panels trying to guide each other and ourselves toward better versions of the people we want to be. The people we are capable of being. The RESPONSIBLE types. And yet, we are the industry of experiencers. We are the industry of "build your own adventure." We are the industry of "fuck it, let's ride..." Of irresponsible decisions. Of passion and sliding notes underneath the doors of our mothers.
And our fellow mothers.
And ourselves.
Sometimes the best way to feel confident moving forward in a different direction (for me) is to look back on my past and find the times I didn't even know it was happening. The times I wasn't even aware I was becoming someone else. The moments when I was making decisions I didn't even realize I was making. The days I was scared shitless out of my mind.
I look back on what has happened, mind blown that the child I once feared would never walk or talk or be a supportive sibling is now as tall as my shoulders and philosophizing about the universe, holding the hands of three little girls.
Fear is the first paving stone to fearlessness.
That's what I was trying to say on Saturday.
Collect all of your past doubts and fears and hold them up against this moment right now and then ask yourself what you see.
Everything is temporary. This moment. This work. This life. We don't have to know where we're going to know that we have what it takes to get there.
GGC
1 comments:
Rebecca, I have been reading your blog for a very long time. This has to be the most outstanding post you have ever written. Thank you. Thank you thank you. Much love. jael
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