***
GGC: Hello, mom.
WWW: Hello, Rebecca.
GGC: I have some questions to ask about your experience parenting children who were bullied and I am expecting very insightful things to come out of your mouth. So please do not disappoint me.
WWW: ...
GGC: First, can you tell me a little bit about your high school experience? Did you ever get bullied? Can you explain?
WWW: I was lucky that I never was bullied. Junior high was my difficult time. I had only one friend in 7th grade and we had no classes together and different lunches so it was hard. I put all of my energies into studying and doing well in school, but I felt uncomfortable with my peers. Then at the end of 8th grade, all of us “misfits” found each other and we became friends. We called ourselves “the group” and we had wonderful parties every weekend, put on plays over the summer, had lunch together, got involved in socially minded clubs, etc. I was lucky. Years later at my 30 year HS reunion, one of the “popular kids” came up to me and said, “You know, I envied you guys. I think your group had the most fun of anyone in HS.” I realized then that the “lucky” kids in high school are the ones who find a like-minded group and are under the radar as far as popularity. Although I had wished I had been in the “in” crowd while I was in high school, I now realize my high school years were rather idyllic.
GGC: How did you know that I was being bullied? Was this something I shared with you? Or did you find out other ways? (Penis on the garage door, perhaps? "Becca Woolf is a Slut" in chocolate syrup on the driveway?)
WWW: The whole thing was so overwhelming and confusing. Here you were popular and you were having all of these horrible experiences. In elementary school, it is much easier to be in control of the situation as a parent. You know the parents, run into them at school, and are more connected to the teachers. But in high school, it’s harder. I didn’t know any of these kids or their parents. I just kept supporting you, encouraging you to write and get involved in activities that you loved and listening to you as an advocate. You were most talkative right before bed and I gave up a lot of sleep lying in bed with you, hearing your sadness, your joys, your plans, your beliefs. Also, you had a large group of friends, all who were being bullied by the older girls, so your friends were also your support system. This is very different from the kids who have no one at school to be on their side.
GGC: Good point. I was thinking about this and trying to remember how you and dad reacted to the rather graphic souvenirs we'd wake up to and I can't remember you doing anything outside of talking to me about it and talking to my teachers.
WWW: When things got really bad, we met with the school counselor and then we had you switched into a different English class so you could be with the teacher you loved so much who loved you back, and could be a mother figure for you if/when you needed one.
GGC: Mrs. Lapadula. Greatest teacher I ever had. Twice.
WWW: I think that helped turn things around for you. You knew you had allies both at school and at home. It was so hard to see you in pain. These were the hardest years of my life, really, watching you suffer. I think the most important thing I did (I hope) was to listen to you, REALLY listen, talk to you, but never over you... without pressure. I also thought it was important for you to have other adults to talk to so I sent you to a therapist once a week so you had someone to talk to outside the family who we both trusted. I remember after one session, I was so worried about you and your therapist said to me, “You know, Wendy, Rebecca is like an ocean liner and you are the tug boat in the sea trying to help her. She knows exactly where she is going.” This gave me great relief, that even though the water was choppy, you could navigate it and get through it. I think the therapists helped me more than she helped you.
GGC: Rachel and David were also bullied. That's three for three. How did you deal with their bullying? Did you do things differently the second and third time around?
WWW: With Rachel and David, things were very different. They struggled fitting into their "groups". David was not a tough boy and was very sensitive and innocent which can be difficult. It was often hard to know with David what was going on since he, as most males do, would go into his cave when he was upset. He would keep most things to himself and wouldn’t want to talk. I think a parent needs to be very sensitive to changes in moods, subtleties in their child’s behavior. I read a great book on the subject at this time called Real Boys and it helped me immensely. I was used to you, Rebecca—the great communicator. In 6th grade, when David went to the East Coast with his class, he had been teased and bullied by his roommates who then spread rumors about him to the entire class. When I found out about this, I was furious and immediately called his teacher. She contacted the parents and both of the kids came over to our house with letters, sat down, and talked to us, apologizing on the verge of tears themselves. They truly saw how they had made David feel. Later, in high school, I also saw that he needed to get involved in something besides school or sports to keep him engaged, a creative outlet. I told him he had to pick an instrument of his choice and take lessons for a year. He took up the guitar which became a huge part of his life, writing songs, working on his music. When he was sad, he had a friend, his music, to help him. We played a lot of Scrabble after school, and when he showed an interest in cooking, I cooked with him. I think it is important for kids who struggle with friendships to have something at home to make them feel special, to have an interest whether it be academic, sports, artistic—something. Kids need to feel good about themselves at home, especially when they don’t at school. I also think it is important to listen to your children when they are telling you things are bad. One time David refused to get up for school and wouldn’t tell me why. I suggested we take a day off together, go to his favorite restaurant for lunch, do whatever he wanted for the day. He was thrilled and we had the best day together. The next morning, he got ready for school and told me he felt better. I never found out what had happened to make him feel so bad that day, but being present with him and letting him know I was there for him if he needed me must have helped in some way. Rachel, too, had some tough years, first in middle school and then again in high school. Her friends disowned her during her junior year and made her life pretty miserable at school. She had to find all new friends, but before then, she spent a lot of nights alone with us. During this time, she poured her heart into her flute and her other love, knitting. At one point we discussed transferring her to a music high school for her senior year, but she decided to stay put and continued focusing her energy on her music. I sent her to the same therapist during this time (again for my peace of mind) who reassured me that Rachel, like Rebecca, was strong and healthy. The therapist gave me books to read about the mean girl syndrome, which helped me immensely. I was an emotional wreck during this time but Rachel was fine. And once she stopped caring about what happened, the girls who had ostracized her suddenly wanted to be her friends again.
GGC: This may be repetitive but do you think there's a "best way" to deal with bullying as a parent? Everyone's experiences are unique, of course. But what do you think is generally helpful?
WWW: Listen to your child. Not only verbally but to the subtle changes in behavior. And I think it is helpful to find someone outside the family for them to talk to, someone you both trust, whether it be a counselor, teacher, therapist, or clergyperson. I also think it is of utmost importance to help nurture your child’s sense of self, starting when they are very young. I think my kids all have a strong sense of who they are and had inner strength because of it. Exposing your kids early to things that interest them is important so they can put their energy into these loves when things get bad. I work with kids as a teacher and as a music director. We have had bullying instances in our classes and I handle it by bringing the bully and the victim together with their parents. The bully has a chance to see how her actions and words devastate the people around her. And the victim is in a safe environment to express how they feel. Emotional bullying can be just as painful as physical bullying, so it’s important not to pass it off as “kids stuff.” Words are as dangerous as blows. Take it all seriously. I also think it's a good idea to involve the school. And if nothing changes, change schools. Your child’s safety is the most important thing.
GGC: If you could go back and do things differently, would you?
WWW: Sometimes I wish I called the parents of the “mean girls” and told them what their daughters were doing to you. But in high school it can be confusing. At the time, I was afraid that it would have completely humiliated you and wasn’t sure that would have been best. What do you think?
GGC: It's hard to say. I would have been mortified if you said something. Mortified and horrified and I would have likely disowned you forever. Not really. But I definitely would have been more afraid to go to school. Anyway, it's tough to say and I love you. Moving on... because I am a happy well adjusted adult human with two happy well adjusted adult human siblings, which has everything to do with you and dad's parenting. Please share your parenting secrets here and now.
WWW: Your dad and I were completely on the same page when it came to our values and priorities. You and I definitely had our share of fights and tears, but we always made up and our relationship was stronger for working through the tough times. We were very different teenagers, so I had to learn to not judge your decisions and to trust you to navigate fearlessly as a consequence of them, even though at times this was hard for me. In the end, I feel this made you into a very trusting and confident person. I think trusting your child makes them trust themselves. I also think it is important for a parent to be able to admit when they are wrong. We all blow it and learn from our mistakes just as our kids do. I am a big believer in the “family dinner,” gathering together without distractions, TV, phones, etc. I think it provides stability and a feeling of safety to a child, even when things are tough. We had wonderful conversations, laughed together, learned about each others’ days, and connected. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get you to sit down with us, but I think it was important. I believe that there is a parenting manual written in our hearts, and if we listen closely, we will know what to do. We need to be prepared to parent each child differently because each child is unique. It's our job to listen and watch so that we can be there when needed without smothering. Parenting is like being an umbrella keeper. When the weather gets bad, you hand over the umbrella. It shelters your child, keeps them dry, but still provides plenty of room to move. When the sun comes out, you are there to take it back so your children can run and play in the puddles.
Rebecca, here. I would like to add, because my mom did not that one of her greatest talents as a parent was her honesty combined with her empathy.My parents were always honest with me. They expressed their disappointment in certain decisions I made, punished me for breaking rules but also, were open to me making my own. (My curfew was something my mom and I negotiated and then decided on together. Genius because I was MUCH better at following rules I had a hand in making.) And no matter what kind of mistakes I made, my parents stood with my anyway.I never felt judged. Even when there were plenty of reasons for my parents to judge me. I never felt talked down to. Even when I definitely deserved to be. My thoughts and opinions mattered. My emotions were respected. My mother empathized. Always. Still does.
Anyway. I’m going way out in Tangentland, sorry. All of this to say that no matter what happened in High School, I always felt safe, loved and supported at home. That has never changed. My family is my team. It is what I am most grateful for in this life and I take it for granted zero. It is also, I think, why I was able to navigate Bullyland with some semblance of grace.
GGC: I have some questions to ask about your experience parenting children who were bullied and I am expecting very insightful things to come out of your mouth. So please do not disappoint me.
WWW: ...
GGC: First, can you tell me a little bit about your high school experience? Did you ever get bullied? Can you explain?
WWW: I was lucky that I never was bullied. Junior high was my difficult time. I had only one friend in 7th grade and we had no classes together and different lunches so it was hard. I put all of my energies into studying and doing well in school, but I felt uncomfortable with my peers. Then at the end of 8th grade, all of us “misfits” found each other and we became friends. We called ourselves “the group” and we had wonderful parties every weekend, put on plays over the summer, had lunch together, got involved in socially minded clubs, etc. I was lucky. Years later at my 30 year HS reunion, one of the “popular kids” came up to me and said, “You know, I envied you guys. I think your group had the most fun of anyone in HS.” I realized then that the “lucky” kids in high school are the ones who find a like-minded group and are under the radar as far as popularity. Although I had wished I had been in the “in” crowd while I was in high school, I now realize my high school years were rather idyllic.
GGC: How did you know that I was being bullied? Was this something I shared with you? Or did you find out other ways? (Penis on the garage door, perhaps? "Becca Woolf is a Slut" in chocolate syrup on the driveway?)
WWW: The whole thing was so overwhelming and confusing. Here you were popular and you were having all of these horrible experiences. In elementary school, it is much easier to be in control of the situation as a parent. You know the parents, run into them at school, and are more connected to the teachers. But in high school, it’s harder. I didn’t know any of these kids or their parents. I just kept supporting you, encouraging you to write and get involved in activities that you loved and listening to you as an advocate. You were most talkative right before bed and I gave up a lot of sleep lying in bed with you, hearing your sadness, your joys, your plans, your beliefs. Also, you had a large group of friends, all who were being bullied by the older girls, so your friends were also your support system. This is very different from the kids who have no one at school to be on their side.
GGC: Good point. I was thinking about this and trying to remember how you and dad reacted to the rather graphic souvenirs we'd wake up to and I can't remember you doing anything outside of talking to me about it and talking to my teachers.
WWW: When things got really bad, we met with the school counselor and then we had you switched into a different English class so you could be with the teacher you loved so much who loved you back, and could be a mother figure for you if/when you needed one.
GGC: Mrs. Lapadula. Greatest teacher I ever had. Twice.
WWW: I think that helped turn things around for you. You knew you had allies both at school and at home. It was so hard to see you in pain. These were the hardest years of my life, really, watching you suffer. I think the most important thing I did (I hope) was to listen to you, REALLY listen, talk to you, but never over you... without pressure. I also thought it was important for you to have other adults to talk to so I sent you to a therapist once a week so you had someone to talk to outside the family who we both trusted. I remember after one session, I was so worried about you and your therapist said to me, “You know, Wendy, Rebecca is like an ocean liner and you are the tug boat in the sea trying to help her. She knows exactly where she is going.” This gave me great relief, that even though the water was choppy, you could navigate it and get through it. I think the therapists helped me more than she helped you.
GGC: Rachel and David were also bullied. That's three for three. How did you deal with their bullying? Did you do things differently the second and third time around?
WWW: With Rachel and David, things were very different. They struggled fitting into their "groups". David was not a tough boy and was very sensitive and innocent which can be difficult. It was often hard to know with David what was going on since he, as most males do, would go into his cave when he was upset. He would keep most things to himself and wouldn’t want to talk. I think a parent needs to be very sensitive to changes in moods, subtleties in their child’s behavior. I read a great book on the subject at this time called Real Boys and it helped me immensely. I was used to you, Rebecca—the great communicator. In 6th grade, when David went to the East Coast with his class, he had been teased and bullied by his roommates who then spread rumors about him to the entire class. When I found out about this, I was furious and immediately called his teacher. She contacted the parents and both of the kids came over to our house with letters, sat down, and talked to us, apologizing on the verge of tears themselves. They truly saw how they had made David feel. Later, in high school, I also saw that he needed to get involved in something besides school or sports to keep him engaged, a creative outlet. I told him he had to pick an instrument of his choice and take lessons for a year. He took up the guitar which became a huge part of his life, writing songs, working on his music. When he was sad, he had a friend, his music, to help him. We played a lot of Scrabble after school, and when he showed an interest in cooking, I cooked with him. I think it is important for kids who struggle with friendships to have something at home to make them feel special, to have an interest whether it be academic, sports, artistic—something. Kids need to feel good about themselves at home, especially when they don’t at school. I also think it is important to listen to your children when they are telling you things are bad. One time David refused to get up for school and wouldn’t tell me why. I suggested we take a day off together, go to his favorite restaurant for lunch, do whatever he wanted for the day. He was thrilled and we had the best day together. The next morning, he got ready for school and told me he felt better. I never found out what had happened to make him feel so bad that day, but being present with him and letting him know I was there for him if he needed me must have helped in some way. Rachel, too, had some tough years, first in middle school and then again in high school. Her friends disowned her during her junior year and made her life pretty miserable at school. She had to find all new friends, but before then, she spent a lot of nights alone with us. During this time, she poured her heart into her flute and her other love, knitting. At one point we discussed transferring her to a music high school for her senior year, but she decided to stay put and continued focusing her energy on her music. I sent her to the same therapist during this time (again for my peace of mind) who reassured me that Rachel, like Rebecca, was strong and healthy. The therapist gave me books to read about the mean girl syndrome, which helped me immensely. I was an emotional wreck during this time but Rachel was fine. And once she stopped caring about what happened, the girls who had ostracized her suddenly wanted to be her friends again.
GGC: This may be repetitive but do you think there's a "best way" to deal with bullying as a parent? Everyone's experiences are unique, of course. But what do you think is generally helpful?
WWW: Listen to your child. Not only verbally but to the subtle changes in behavior. And I think it is helpful to find someone outside the family for them to talk to, someone you both trust, whether it be a counselor, teacher, therapist, or clergyperson. I also think it is of utmost importance to help nurture your child’s sense of self, starting when they are very young. I think my kids all have a strong sense of who they are and had inner strength because of it. Exposing your kids early to things that interest them is important so they can put their energy into these loves when things get bad. I work with kids as a teacher and as a music director. We have had bullying instances in our classes and I handle it by bringing the bully and the victim together with their parents. The bully has a chance to see how her actions and words devastate the people around her. And the victim is in a safe environment to express how they feel. Emotional bullying can be just as painful as physical bullying, so it’s important not to pass it off as “kids stuff.” Words are as dangerous as blows. Take it all seriously. I also think it's a good idea to involve the school. And if nothing changes, change schools. Your child’s safety is the most important thing.
GGC: If you could go back and do things differently, would you?
WWW: Sometimes I wish I called the parents of the “mean girls” and told them what their daughters were doing to you. But in high school it can be confusing. At the time, I was afraid that it would have completely humiliated you and wasn’t sure that would have been best. What do you think?
GGC: It's hard to say. I would have been mortified if you said something. Mortified and horrified and I would have likely disowned you forever. Not really. But I definitely would have been more afraid to go to school. Anyway, it's tough to say and I love you. Moving on... because I am a happy well adjusted adult human with two happy well adjusted adult human siblings, which has everything to do with you and dad's parenting. Please share your parenting secrets here and now.
WWW: Your dad and I were completely on the same page when it came to our values and priorities. You and I definitely had our share of fights and tears, but we always made up and our relationship was stronger for working through the tough times. We were very different teenagers, so I had to learn to not judge your decisions and to trust you to navigate fearlessly as a consequence of them, even though at times this was hard for me. In the end, I feel this made you into a very trusting and confident person. I think trusting your child makes them trust themselves. I also think it is important for a parent to be able to admit when they are wrong. We all blow it and learn from our mistakes just as our kids do. I am a big believer in the “family dinner,” gathering together without distractions, TV, phones, etc. I think it provides stability and a feeling of safety to a child, even when things are tough. We had wonderful conversations, laughed together, learned about each others’ days, and connected. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get you to sit down with us, but I think it was important. I believe that there is a parenting manual written in our hearts, and if we listen closely, we will know what to do. We need to be prepared to parent each child differently because each child is unique. It's our job to listen and watch so that we can be there when needed without smothering. Parenting is like being an umbrella keeper. When the weather gets bad, you hand over the umbrella. It shelters your child, keeps them dry, but still provides plenty of room to move. When the sun comes out, you are there to take it back so your children can run and play in the puddles.
***
Rebecca, here. I would like to add, because my mom did not that one of her greatest talents as a parent was her honesty combined with her empathy.My parents were always honest with me. They expressed their disappointment in certain decisions I made, punished me for breaking rules but also, were open to me making my own. (My curfew was something my mom and I negotiated and then decided on together. Genius because I was MUCH better at following rules I had a hand in making.) And no matter what kind of mistakes I made, my parents stood with my anyway.I never felt judged. Even when there were plenty of reasons for my parents to judge me. I never felt talked down to. Even when I definitely deserved to be. My thoughts and opinions mattered. My emotions were respected. My mother empathized. Always. Still does.
Anyway. I’m going way out in Tangentland, sorry. All of this to say that no matter what happened in High School, I always felt safe, loved and supported at home. That has never changed. My family is my team. It is what I am most grateful for in this life and I take it for granted zero. It is also, I think, why I was able to navigate Bullyland with some semblance of grace.
Thanks, mom. Also, you look fifteen years younger now, you fox.
GGC
