I once read an interview with Dita Von Teese about how she kept her marriage fresh with Marilyn Manson. She wrote of the importance of mystery i.e. never let him see you peeing with the door open. Lingerie is a must, always wear makeup and don't you dare let your mate ever smell your poop! A lady never farts! Etc. You get the picture.
I remember reading the piece and thinking my marriage was doomed because even at the beginning of our courtship, peeing with the door open was just... I dunno... what we did. Farting in front of each other came soon after. Was I crazy to think I could fart in front of my mate one minute and then seduce him moments later?
Uh... no. Dude never refused sex because I was gassy. Nor have I ever been turned off by a good old-fashioned fart. Because guess what, people. EVERYONE FARTS. Just like everyone looks at their snot in the kleenex after blowing their noses. Am I wrong?
Of course it's important to look good for one another, to put forth effort to keep the marriage sexy and interesting, share fantasies, give one another hot oil massages while listening to Enya or whatever it is that turns you on as a couple.
But as well as taking garter-belted, hotel-porned, feel-eachother-up-at-fancy-restaurant weekend getaways, couples need just as much a good old-fashioned burping, farting contest where the winner gets to pee with the door open. Because, really? What good is a "fresh" marriage if you can't be real with each other?
I guess what I'm saying is this; put on some blush once in a while, some sexy heels for a night on the town but don't hold in your farts. You'll get a stomachache. And if you're Dita Von Teese? A divorce.
GGC
And when I'm not participating in romantic candle-lit farting contests, there's always a snot rocket or two to be had. Fun for the whole family!
57 comments:
Word! Truer words were never said. :-D
Amen.
Bathroom door hinges are precious, wouldn't want to go wearing them out.
Plus, are you sure Dita was talking about herself? She could have been talking about her husband.
yeah I dated Dita once. It was awful.
I think if you have to put on a show and disguise to keep your marriage interesting, you must not have a very good marriage.
Marriage just is not all about keeping yourself this sexually desirable, unattainable object. It's about having a life together, meeting life's obstacles hand in hand, and growing old with one another.....where you are most likely going to have to change each others diapers, so all of those tummy aches from holding in your gas, were totally NOT worth it.
Dita was a dumb ass. Love her look, but she trippin'.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if my husband played by the no fart rule. He could kill an elephant sometimes with the odors that come out of him.
I'll suggest it.
Personally I sometimes wish I could be alone in the bathroom for two minutes but my son MUST open any closed door so in our house it's pretty much de facto!
And Dita just sounds totally crazy! Never let him see you without makeup? Right... That IS the real secret to a strong, connected and lasting marriage.
If he didn't love the real me...with my pajama pants and ponytail...then he wouldn't have married me in the first place.
That is hilarious... An ode to my hubby:
my husband wouldn't KNOW the real me without the old-tshirt-pjs-no-makeup-shaving-my-legs-and-other-areas-belly-scratching-sick-with-fever-crying-SELF. Not that my "self" is hidden at other times, but I even enjoy that he knows all of this... I used to confront him with all this to see if he could take the reality! The husband that buys your tampons, come on, that is real. Holds your hair when you puke! My lover/husband is a doc and has jammed a needle in my arm with the IV apparatus taped and hanging from our dining room lamp, with me shivering uncontrolably from a 24 hour tummy flu. He combs my hair, cuddles me, and, ladies, he WAXES MY ARMPITS. He also can sex me up better than nobody's business. So take that, all Ditas out there.
Here, here to farting in front of each other! If I do close the door when I pee, my husband seems almost insulted. I just couldn't be with someone who found everyday bodily functions gross or disgusting. It's a fact of life and we all have to do it. It isn't like we fart ON each other or anything, but I think sharing some flatulence is a normal thing.
Like you I've been peeing w/ the door open since we started dating,and farting did come soon after the 6 month of dating. I don't see a problem w/ it it's natural. On the other hand my husband of 4 yrs. now has yet to fart in front of me and at times I will catch him closing the door to use the restroom.....odd
omg i don't think i could live like Dita...seriously...comfort is key...if i don't feel comfortable with you then i can't have sex with you naked...lol...poor Dita she still got a divorce.
Ha! That video you linked has me all fired up. I love a good old public scrumpfest! And that striptease-minus-stripping number?
HOT!!
I love that! I was raised in a "farting is funny" family. My Dad and brothers called them barking spiders. I am on guard anytime that I am asked to pick something up for someone else, for fear that a fart is coming my way as soon as I bend over... This has rubbed off on my daughter. The next generation of farters :)
Seriously. Don't you have to be comfortable with each other to make the marriage work? I think that goes for everything - from farting to the bedroom. I can't wait to watch this film when I'm home from work!
A-to the-men, girl.
Oh yes, I must add... one of my sayings I've stuck by for years is 'Even the Queen of England has to let one rip sometimes.' And we know it's true, even if nothing's ever been said about it... hahaha.
i say that all the time, "we choose to be together today". what i usually say to people is that today we woke up and said yes, and tomorrow we're pretty sure we're going to say yes, and the day after that and the day after that. but maybe one day we won't, and that's ok.
totally get you.
That one made me giggle a little. We're the longest running couple of anyone we know. It's totally a age issue. We're young and most of our friends are young. As a result, in our groups of late twenty-something, early thirty-something groups of friends we are "the old couple" and our constant farting and then laughing about it disgusts most of them. But then they see how much we still like each other after four years and it's encouraging, I think. We loudly point out which one of has stinky armpits and boogers. I think it has reduced stress for both of us, we're unconcerned to be perfect in front of each other all the time and that way we get to concentrate on enjoying each other all the time. I think it's helped keep the relationship fresh. Funny.
I have to disagree on this one. Its not that im not comfortable around my partner, couldn’t be more comfortable, i dont think its a comfort issue. It’s just rude to fart in front of someone, period. Accidents happen, sure you shouldnt suffer a stomach ache but purposely farting in front of anyone is rude. I love my partner but i dont need to be subjected to his bodily smells and because I feel this way I dont fart in front of him. Same with the bathroom door thing. No need, just close it.
Hilarious. My hubby and I dated for YEARS before we married and always tried to keep a lid on farting and crapping in the open. We never made a "no fart pact" -- just kinda happened that way. (Peeing was no biggie.)
Then we had kids. Something about having him see me squash out two kids (one giant head first, the other feet first) sure throws modesty out the window. We've talked about the kids' poop, pee and gas so much that, today, I could care less about his.
(Plus, I don't see Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson growing old together in a nursing home, chinese-takeout farts or not...)
My Mom always said not to fart in peoples personal space and I have to agree, It stinks! The cute thing is now that we have taught our 4 year old to say "excuse me" which she does after she giggles and says "I farted", Now my husband has to say "Excuse Me" - I love it!
TO-TA-LLY!
Here's a tidbit-
When the fiance and I first started dating, I was fart/poop/bodily fluids shy. No way was I going to compromise my sex kitten, new-found lover/girlfriend image. About a year later, I began getting horrible stomach cramps (spasms sometimes where I couldn't even move let alone breathe in deeply, just PAIN), and these persisted for months until I finally went to get a CT scan to see what the hell 'I was dying' from. Turns out I had IBS. In excess, a bunch of air and stuff crammed up so far in my intestines, it was causing them to spasm. So THAT is where Dita's advice gets you- 10 hours in an emergency room and a $4,000 bill. NO JOKE.
Now we fart, belch, curse, and just plain be human with each other. Not only because we're comfortable with each other, but because my insides depend on it!
We'll be tying the knot in May, and instead of having a Dita-esque dress and 40's style wedding, like I probably would have 4 years ago, we're doing it casual (white sundress and galdiator sandals), family, mexican food (farts for all!), music, Guiness, and love- comfortable and beautiful in equal measure.
So I say- let 'em rip, have great sex, nix the sweats (jeans are JUST as easy to put on), and be yourselves.
I think if he can see me naked, he can hear me fart. I refuse to be uncomfortable. That said, there is a time and a place, and too much of anything gets old.
PS: love the blog! I'm not married - yet - and I don't have kids, but I feel prepared for both :)
I love it. Also I couldn't agree more.
We never ever think about shutting the bathroom door!
My husband and I are completely free around each other and have been from day one. If I did start shutting the door to pee he would think there was something wrong with our relationship!
What sort of man thinks that a woman doesn't have the same bodily functions as he does? And what sort of a woman thinks she can hide hers?(One with a really bloated stomach for a start!)
What are you supposed to do get up and walk out of the room every time you need to fart?
I think I read a similar quote from Faith Hill about how she keeps her marriage "fresh" *GAG* by making sure that every single time he touches her, she is smooth and scented. Now I'm all for keeping up on our appearances and remembering to tend to our hair removal but really? EVERY time? Do you not get a pass when you've got a cold and it's winter and you're wearing your flannel pj's to bed while hugging the humidifier? What kind of world do these people live in?
When my husband and I were first dating, I would run the water in the sink whenever I used the bathroom (like he wouldn't know what I was doing in there). Almost 10 years later we never close the bathroom door and fart around each other like a couple of frat boys. I adore him. I don't think it makes him think less of me nor I of him. He loves me for who I am, flatulence and all.
I'm all about comfort and being accepting, but for some reason I'm just kind of anal (haha) about the anal emissions. Feel free to pee while I'm brushing my teeth, but pooping with the door open is just not cool. I think farting in someone elses space is just disrespectful. I get that we all do it and that's cool, but I get annoyed when my guy does the one butt cheek lift and aims one right at me. How hard would it be to move to the other side of the room when you feel one coming?
I had a friend who wouldn't fart in front of her boyfriend, who she was with 29 hours a day. She had constant stomach problems. I'm like, dude, let it out! Farting is funny, get over it.
dtv is an idiot. enough said ;-)
oh my oh my. This is a funny issue, and I love what's been said. Good topic! :D As for me and mine: in the bathroom, there's not much we don't "disclose" to one another. And sometimes, we just like to be alone with our farts. ;) But, I do tend to get grossed out when I'm sleeping and RUDELY awakened with smelly Tex-Mex farts in my face (I sleep at the foot of the bed, and he's 6 ft tall). So yeah, I'm on both sides of the fence...but the whole "keep everything secret" thing, I could never pull off these days. I mean, what would I do when I ran out of TP in the spare bathroom if we weren't open about this kinda stuff? I shudder to think....
It was the farting that lead me to know (very quickly) that my husband was the man for me!
I wasn't looking for farts, necessarily, but I love the comfort and realness of being loved farts, peeing with the door open, and all!
Keep it real, people!
(Oh yeah, and as Carabee says, farts are funny!)
In my marriage it's fundamental that I am myself. Myself is a stretchy pants, favorite t-shirt, and slippers kind-a-gal. We keep our marriage happy by caring and supporting one another. I just wrote about this, because it's such a deep and meaningful discussion. I would be so sad if my marriage has a 20 year shelf life on it. You can read what I have to say here:
http://www.recommendeddailydose.com/?p=840
Okay, I admit it, I fart. But it doesn't smell.
Cool to see my cousin Maggie in this video.
How did you find the video? Hillarious!
I love him and he loves me, smelly farts and all.
I can't even move onto the post because your title is soooooo perfect. Rebecca you always make me laugh, thank god for you! I'm so thankful you keep your feet on the ground and your butt in the room to pass gas even with Hal in the room.
No amount of make-up application, peeing in private, or love could have kept me married to Mr. Strange...
The looking at your snot in the Kleenex thing just totally got me - I don't do that except every ONCE in a while, I might check to see if it looks like a sinus infection if that's what it feels like. My husband, however - EVERY freakin' time. Totally grosses me out. Does everyone else do that too?!
Totally with EdenSky on this one ... I'm fine with peeing with the door open/ while I'm brushing my teeth/ while we're taking a shower/ whatever. And he has held my hair countless times, and it's ok if one of us lets a fart slip now and then. But I don't get the appeal of farting/ pooping around each other on purpose. It just makes me uncomfortable, and him as well, so... we don't. I don't think we're any less close because we hold our farts in sometimes and close the door to take a shit. I think it's just about making sure that you are both comfortable with your level of comfort around each other. right?
ps. I think it might be about the kids as some have suggested... can see how that would lead to bodily functions not being a big deal.
Let me be the one loser who is totally turned off by farts. Yes, we all do it but we all take a shit as well. I'm not into shitting near my partner or being shat on. I like nice smells.
On that note, I have a friend who loves to fart with her partner. She calls me a granny for not getting into it. She, however, makes him blow his nose far away from her (as in, go to the bathroom) because it freaks her out so much.
I've always loved reading Maggie's blog~ but when a mother out-and-out says she does not love her child more than her husband, that is frightening. I still very much loved my husband when we starting having children, but my love for them far, far surpassed my love (or the type of love) that I had for him. Every mother that I personally know claims to feel the same way. I find it very scary and sad that a woman (mother) would love a man more than her child... I was surprised to hear her say that. Not trying to be judgmental, just surprised really. My kids are grown up now, but they always came first, they still do. Sadness...
cmom, you should probably start your own blog, so you can preach over there.... I know I have zero interest in listening to your sanctimonious bull.
I think it all depends on you and your spouse, and even your parents. I grew up in a household where we were open with EEVVVVERYTHING including bodily functions so it was never a big deal. Mom farted in front of Dad, etc. It was modeled to me and my parents are the happiest mofos I know.
I mean... laughing at farts is one of life's great pleasures as far as I'm concerned. (I also have the humor of a 12 year old boy so there's that.)
That being said, it totally depends on your comfort level. I would never poop with the door open, for instance. Because that's where I draw the line but peeing? Sure. And I will not (in my own house surrounded by my family) hold back in the way of farts, burps, etc... In public? COMPLETELY different story.
I would also like to agree MFK that having a baby changes a lot. Hal watched two babes come out my vag and lord knows what else come out with them... There is little mystery left after that.
No delicate flower, here.
hot oil massages while listening to enya? hahahaha. my hub and i are at home sick today, and he reading the news while I was watching moversation. When you started talking about farting, he looked up from what he was doing, and goes, "uhh, i don't think YOU need to be watching that." hahaha.
(I don't fart, I just like to make the sounds with my mouth -- I'm really good at it.)
Comfort is huge in a marriage, I'm glad you and Hal are happy with the setup you have:)
I would draw the line when it comes to table manners. Nothing more off putting than your bloke farting after a family meal (not that mine would...)
Couldn't agree more. Congrads on the book!
I know Katy, you probably love your husband more than your kids too, even though he isn't even your blood relative. Nice.
Well, I guess me and the hubs only have a year before our expiration is up! I should probably let him know.
I'm a bit surprised that pussy farts didn't come up, because you know if you can get over that embarrassment, much less laugh with your partner about it, your relationship is set in stone.
(Because there's just NO holding those in.)
Weird girl, there is nothing, N O T H I N G more hilarious than the "pussy fart", or "queef"...... Just typing that makes me giggle.... The first time it ever happened to me, it wouldn't stop and I asked the Mr. to take me to the hospital.... I knew a girl in Junior High who could make hersefl do it...... Which I just don't understand how you figure out you have that kind of talent and then why you want to share it with the world?
Laughs, aplenty, for sure.
And cmom, I love my husband so much, that I wanted to buy him a pony, but I couldn't afford it, so I sold his kids to the gypsies to finance the purchase...
We're all much happier now.
Oh this post is so freaking true. Bottom line, if you are choosing to be with someone, live with someone, share your intimacy with someone - is there really a reason to hide something as hilarious as a fart? Or burp? Or accidently teach your 4 y/o to recognize when she put a "I made a HUGE ONE Daddy!" in the toilet? Who cares... Hell, I'm even trying to teach my kid to "semi-burp" to get rid of the hiccups! Teaching manners is one thing. But practicing etiquette can be saved for the office. Chivalry, however, is a WHOLE other deal. (that is practiced as often as possible and is what gets you sex in a parking deck before you head home to pay the sitter!)
Seriously, though, a fart - no matter where its done - is still one of the top 5 funniest things to laugh at in life.
you look so FREAKING cute in this video i am so jealous!!!
i have never ever once farted in front of my husband except for when i had my c-section and getting that air out was orgasmic. haha. he pretty much doesn't care. he farts and burps and pees with the door open but that stuff embarrasses me a little! i mean... i'll pee with the door open. but i draw the line there.
I think I'd be really stressed out if I tried to hold in all my gas at home. I mean, really, where can I relax if not at home??
I'm another doomed one then. my husband is so proud of his farts, that I doubt he would have married me if I couldn't deal with them ;)
Considering I spent my ninth wedding anniversary (yesterday) at the divorce attorney's office with my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I'm thinking I should have eaten more beans.
LOL! I agree with you about the farting! I have friends who have NEVER farted in front of their husbands for years and years and years ... just absolutely INSANE! I can't even imagine.
My son and I will be at the upcoming picnic with Alaina -- looking forward to meeting you!
You're no Dita, not even a low-rent, Jersey-accented version.
Hmmm. I don't mind seeing my wife without makeup. I don;t mind peeing with the door open. I'm all into the natural thing.
But if a lady is crapping and I can smell it 15' from the bathroom at my desk, it's a turnoff. Same with leaving underwear with skidmarks on the floor. Blech. If I smell and see stuff like that, I'm not getting my face down there anytime soon. Sorry.
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