Biting off more than I am able to chew, I have been on the verge of breakdown. Unable to sit still for so much as two seconds. Forgetting to eat. To swallow. To breathe. It came down to two options:
1. Get some help.
2. Steal a Maserati from the Paramount lot, (there are 7856 Maseratis in the Windsor gate parking area ALONE) pick up a hooker (preferably a bob-haired Suicide Girl) and go on a Bonnie and Clyde lesbo crime mission until we get busted and/or drive off of a ledge Thelma and Louise style...
Option #1 seemed like the more "adult" option so we had a "family meeting" and decided that in order to keep my head from exploding, a helper was in order. A nanny/babysitter/relief pitcher to aid in my SAHM needs so I have at least a few hours a week for W. The kind of W that is uninterrupted and requires (but is not limited to) headphones and triple soy lattes and getting lost in pages of manuscript so I can meet my deadlines with flying colors. So I can be proud of my work instead of afraid of it... putting so much pressure on myself to craft the perfect paragraph in sporadic windows of time that I end up working myself into a frenzy with pages of endless vowels and no consonants.
And so today, as I ramble on about having no time to ramble on, I am happy to report that I found someone. A nanny! And she's sweet and adorable and will start work next week, leaving me with ten whole hours of weekday work-time at my favorite office. And by this time next week, I'll be exhaling....
No more bitching and screaming and acting like a child and questioning and feeling estranged from myself. And torn. And overwhelmed. No more public tantrums or panic attacks or feeling like I have to do it all. Because no one can. It's impossible
So I forfeit my control-freakdom and acquiesce to relief that is help...
Because I need help, even if only for two half-days a week, so I can find myself again. Or at the very least, some of the missing pieces.
GGC
21 comments:
Some days I think I'm completely nuts for having flown my mom over from overseas to live with us. And then there are nights when the offspring vomits 4 times in an hour and I can just roll over in my bed and know that he'll be taken care of. And not to mention how much more I get done during the day (like have a full-time job). So I'm all for nannies/helpers/grandmothers. You will be refreshed and Archer will have fun interacting with someone else.
Mazel tov. You need that time. Really.
Check any and all adverse feelings about it into a safety deposit box someplace and GO WRITE. The Arch will also be a little better for it, too, because you will be saner.
Oh hooray! That's such a huge load off. I'm so happy for you all - another person to love Archer. That's a fantastic thing.
Good for you! I think you needed this. I am actually looking forward to having Cakes in childcare for a couple days of week next year.
Wait - Bossy is still stuck in the quagmire of the first sentence: You have two blogs?
dang! i guess my big-love-esque offer of free housing, free love, and nickel beers didn't take. so fine. get a nanny. see if i care. boyband is not gonna be happy, but you can break that to him yo-self.
As another SAHM in the LA area, I'm dying to know.... where did you find your nanny???
Congrats! What a gruling process (I just finished it myself-she starts in two weeks!) it will do wonders for you!
That's awesome, it will be so good for you. If this one nanny doesn't work out, I am moving to LA over the summer (mid-May) and will be looking for a temporary job in mid-June (I start grad school in October). just fyi :)
That's got to be a huge relief. When I wrote my stupid little book, I got a mother's helper to come over 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. And that was just so I could come up with 25,000 words. That you've gone this long without any assistance and actually accomplished all you do blows my mind. I know that those uninterrupted hours will make your output even more inspired. Best wishes!
Finding yourself is a very good plan. Amazing how easy it is to get lost, isn't it?
You are a smart woman. We hired someone when Rachel was 18 months old because I broke my foot and had to have someone there to help. Six weeks later, when I was cleared to be walking without crutches again, I said, "Hey, why don't we ask her to stay one or two afternoons a week and I can get some of my work done?" Many relatives thought I was nuts -- why would a SAHM (read: you're not really getting paid much for your writing, so why would you pay to have a sitter?) need help?
I love R. with all my heart, and as she is away on her first ever seven-year-old sleepover tonite, and my mommy heart is aching, all I have to say is this: IT. SAVED. MY. SANITY.
Yay for you, that's just awesome! You deserve it for sure. :)
you sound so happy! that's great! just wondering... why not part-time preschool? ~jjlibra
You're going to love those hours so very much, and in a few weeks will look back and wonder how you managed before.
Enjoy!
Good for you. You made a very smart decision. As the saying goes, "A happy mom makes a happy family"... or something like that. :)
Preaching to the choir sister. I needs me some time.
Good Job. We all need help, but unfortunately, all too often, we don't ask for it.
Rock on, Sister.
Yes.... Yesss. I thought I was going INSANE trying to work and care for an infant. Before he was born I thought I would just strap him to my back (or front, whatever works) and keep on with my pre-baby life. NOT SO MUCH. After childcare entered my life, I was a much better mother. Given the opportunity to ACTUALLY MISS HIM, not just resent him and hold my breath till naptime, made it so much more easy to deal. This will be a revelation for you. Happy mothering!
MFK-
email me when you get into town-- may have to take you up on that!!!
Good for you! I know how you feel... I'm starting to look into 2-day a week pre-pre-school, which I never thought I'd do. But one my best friends works there so, you know, one of the people I trust most in the world with my kid plus time for me to work? How can I resist?
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