The remain of Archer's Halloween Costume are still in full force. One would think I do not bathe my child but on the contrary. The only place I can control Archer's chaos is in the tub, where we read and sing songs and he poops on my lap at least twice a day. I digress, the tattoos have not rubbed away and some of them look just as they did the day I applied them with water and washcloth. (For some reason the pacifiers with flames will NOT rub off. Neither will the various anchors and nautical stars. Neither will the sparrow on his face).
I kind of like it. It's cute and I'm definitely a fan of GOOD tattoos in their various shapes and forms and Archer's temp tats are Retro-fabulous. You will see no butterflies. No Japanese characters of hope/faith/love and/or astrological signs. (And yes I have all of the aforementioned on my body. And yes I was 16. And yes I'm aware that they are about as original as a bad tribal-tattoo on a porn-star in the Valley. And yes you can talk shit all you want but I DO have some tasteful tattoos. Several, actually. In fact my entire coming of age is mapped out permanently for all to see.)But once again, I digress... The point that I have been TRYING to get at is this: Some people believe it when I tell them Archer's tattoos are real. Some people aren't as stupid as others. Others are... um... well... not well.
"Does your baby have tattoos?"
"Yeah. Aren't they sweet?"
"Wait. Those aren't real are they?"
"Actually, yeah they are."
"Get out! Seriously? Wow! How did you even get him to hold still for all that work? He must have an INSANE threshold for pain."
"Totally he does. You should have seen him during his circumcision? He was like, Psh. Is that all you got?"
Sometimes they know I'm joking of course. Sometimes they truly believe I am swear-to-heyzues-serious. (Help.)
I'm either an exceptionally good liar or THEY are just dumb as shit.
"But aren't they cool!? Tattoos are cool. And my son is cool. Maybe you should get your kid sleeved up. I mean... If YOU were cool you would. Oh and P.S. He also smokes cigarettes. Unfiltered. And he rolls them himself. Can you say, triple-cool?"
And they believe me. The blondes with their Kitson bags and the Grandma-mas at the playground think I'm some sort of DIY tattoo artist for toddlers. No dirty looks, only puzzled tilts of the head.
"How so-very alternative."
"Thanks. It's REALLY super-important for my kid to stick out in the YMCA daycare-crowd."
Sometimes I love Los Angeles. Truly, anything here goes. Tattooed toddlers are not beyond the realms of reality, and in this wondrous city of actors, professional liars, fakers and phonies, I get to hide behind Archer's faux-ink and say with the straightest face possible, "Yes, bitches. They ARE real... High time you had your toddler sleeved up."
Because seriously, people. What are you waiting for?
GGC
29 comments:
Archer, already a trend-setter.
Baby oil. Its the only thing that will take them off, trust me.
But then again. Do you Really want them off?
Nah. This is kind of fun. Hee.
He He. I would say "Yeah we are working our way up to full sleeves!"
Caleb's pirate tattoo stayed on for a few days, too. I can't believe the looks I got. Jeesh people! FYI baby oil and a cotton ball will take them right off if you get sick of em.
is he still sportin' the 'stache? b/c i can definitely appreciate that as of late...
I like the sparrow on his temple. Hot.
LOL! I am so far from LA, I can't even imagine. But, I love this post!
now you can get some nice clip-on nose and belly button rings, the next trend will be baby-piercings! adorable! (oh wait, people already pierce their little girls's ears, my bad)
Well, people do pierce their kids ears...
Yessssss!!!
Some more great ideas to bond with my Grandchildren ( if and when i ever have some) TATS!! One for Gramma, one for Baby. What a way to spend a Saturday with the kiddies. I can't wait. I only hope they have original ideas instead of using cheesy flash!
Oh those wacky Angelenos! Aren't all the celeb babies sporting them, too? He's TOTALLY in style (maybe he'll even get is pic in In Style!)
While the tats are perhaps the coolest in the universe, I'm kind of impressed the person who believed you tattooed your kid permanently didn't try and clobber you for circumcision.
Too funny, GGC. I do a similar thing in NYC. I love f*cking with all the alpha-parents at the playgrounds. When parents ask whether my daughter is bilingual, I tell them "No, actually she speaks about 5 languages." You should see their heads explode. So entertaining. I also like to tell them my two-year-old daughter is a brown belt in karate and composes her own symphonies. They'll look over at my little girl going down the slide with a finger up her nose and just be in total shock.
Freaking idiots!
I love hearing your LA stories. Archer is so cool that if I was one of those playground momma's I might (depending on how little sleep I got the night before) believe they were real. And then I probably hire you to give Bumper a big ol' Koi on her left shoulder.
Watch out, before you know it the trend will catch on and every baby in LA will have REAL tatoos.
Really those untattooed babies are so 2004. I've always joked that the girls belly buttons are pierced and I've been asked if I dye my three year old's hair. I'm like hmmph, of course!
TOTALLY! I mean, HELLLLO? Our children are our canvases. Heh.
I went through the exact same thing over here in FL. I put this really stupid tattoo on Leah from a restaurant. It was actually the owner of the place dressed like a super hero or something...anyway- it took FOREVER to wash off- and people actually asked if it was real. Duh.
I totally dig telling lies just to see who's stupid enough to believe them. When I had a 21st floor apartment, people would look over the balcony and comment on the height. I would tell them that I had to undergo a psychiatric evaluation before I could rent the apartment. You know, to be assured I wouldn't jump.
I can just see you on the playground "Hi there, nice to meet you. The kid with the tattoos? Yeah, he's mine. If you think that's cool you should see his rockin' nipple piercing."
It is amazing what someone will think. He is to cute though.
Alchohl works wonders by the way.
Just be thankful you are not getting holiday pictures done. LOL
It's incredible what some people will fall for. Although if I'm honest with myself, I've eaten up some whoppers in my time too.
Actually, I think you raise a great point about Angelinos. I'm live in the LA suburbs and for the most part, things just fly here and nobody thinks twice. When I compare the atmosphere here to where my mom grew up or where other family members live, I'm always shocked.
And secretly thankful.
PS - Great costume idea =)
Baby Oil does work to get those suckers off, but that wouldn't be any fun would it? But for future reference when they start peeling and don't look as cool.
I LOVE stupid people. I have a two year old and a one year old and people always ask if they are twins. Um, hello? Seriously? Are you looking at the same kids as I am?
I am not a slick as you are to keep a straight face. That takes skill girl.
Good lord, people. I don't know whether to ridicule them for their stupidity or to commend them for their open-mindedness!!
(I love the sparrows!)
LMAO big time!
This is a far cry from the days when my mom would bring me to the doc for a checkup when I was a baby and the nurses would nearly yell at her to take the makeup off me. That's what happens when you're born with long dark eyelashes. Eat your heart out, Maybelline. I WAS born with it!
Rubbing Alchol takes them off too.
Kim
Oh, good lord. That is hilarious and sad, all at once. But fun for you to fuck with them, no? You could try to pass them off as birthmarks or the mark the cult who kidnapped him put on him so he would always be theirs or something even weirder and see if they balk.
hey, I found your site through sweetjuniper and was browsing the archives -- you rock -- anyway for future reference if you WANT to take them off, use scotch tape. just stick it over the tattoo and peel off. it may take a couple tries.
p.s. i also live near LA. woo!
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