The Nanny Pimp

Sometime last week, Archer and I found ourselves rolling around in the sand at our local park. It was another Nanny day. Women of mainly Central American decent crowded around the edge of the sandbox, speaking Spanish and passing the children shovels and pirates booty. Archer and I found a shady spot, roomy enough for the two of us and our bag full o' sand toys and started digging and eating sand. Delicious.

I tried to eavesdrop per usual but my three years of Espanol in high school did little to hone my abilities to understand anything beside talk of school supplies. Tengo un lapiz? Donde Estas la Biblioteca? Puedo ir al bano? I can ask questions about Libraries and bathrooms. I can't understand the latest celeb gossip as told by their nannies.

When a woman with two kids and three nannies showed up, one child in each nanny's arms and the third nanny carrying the diaper bag my jaw dropped into the sand and I lol'ed. I still don't know if I was reacting from hatred or envy but I'm gonna say the latter after one of the kids asked to be picked up and "Mom" pointed to "Nanny #2" to do the dirty work. Meanwhile "Mom" removed her shoes and waved from the sidelines. "Tata, young lads!"

After running out of people to spy on/talk shit about mentally in my mind, I decided to call it a day. We had a whopping one toy remaining after being robbed by the other sandbox kids who wanted at Archer's goods, so Archer and I politely went around the circle asking in Espanol if we could por favor have our rake back. "Hola. Donde estas un bucket y rake y shovel y truck y autobus y bano y papel y sand funnel thing y agua bottle."

I know. I suck at languages but at least I was making an effort. Such a good effort in fact that the nannies believed I was one of them. They introduced themselves one by one and asked if I was new. I didn't know what "new" meant at first but answered with a nod and a "Si, gracias!"

I introduced the nannies to Archer who by then was probably infecting every child with pox (We didn't know he had "it" yet) and the nannies waved and spoke Espanol and I translated.

When we decided finally leave, we didn't get far when one of the nannies called for me, her double stroller in tow and a third child in her arms. She was by far the bad-ass(est) nanny in the park. Big dark eyes, long shorts with an intimidatingly tight braid down her back. I was impressed and a little bit scared.


She looked around and then glared at me. "You aren't a nanny are you," she said, exhaling.

"No. I'm not a nanny."

"Do you have a nanny?"

"No."

"Just you?"

"Just me."

"You need a nanny then."

"Not right now, thank you."

"I see. Well, maybe not yet but you will. You can't do it all yourself. It's impossible. You need nanny? I find you nanny. My name is Maria and I can find you nanny anytime."

"O...kay. I'll remember that, thank you."

"I am here every day, in the shaded corner by the swingset. Just find me when you're ready.

"Gracias."

"Habla Espanol?"

"Si. Un poco."

"Guioliajksjeihk lakjsl;aoielwjdlksa uytytauytagusda nosotros pioajlskjdkaamos te akjslakjkdioaisud. jahkhakuy!"

I didn't know what she said but I imagine it was very importante. The nanny pimp was speaking in code for sure, either that or it was just really advanced Spanish. Spanish 5, maybe. I only got to Spanish 3. She patted me on the back, nodded her head and checked the palm trees for spies.

"Adios Archer!" She said and looked at me dead in the eye. "We'll talk soon." She then dissapeared into a gated mansion.


I stood in awe for several seconds, thinking how talented I must be for raising a child nanny-less and then my thoughts turned quickly into how much easier life would be with one. I suddenly needed a nanny. I had to have a nanny and as I walked back, slapping my veins and sweating I had to convince myself twas just the Nanny pimp's power of persuasion working it's magic on my SOUL.

People underestimate the pimp/dealer/pusher for sure. She had me going for a while before I remembered that there was no way in hell we could afford one.

But I guess for a pimp that doesn't matter. People will always find a way to get the money and if they can't? Well, they might as well be sleeping with the pesca.

And that's just too grande a risk.

GGC